Filed under: Still Alive
January 4th seems like a good, albeit belated, place to start. 2010 started out with sme fairly high standards — cooking, family, friends, my father retrieving me from a downtown scene, a friend’s lost cell phone, picking said cell phone up from an unknown Russian in a minivan, and a good deed.
My 2009 saw the birth and death of a lot of “dreams.” I decided on a far away, arbitrary place to live because it was vastly different from my life in sunny, tropical Florida – but I never made it to Portland, just like I never made it to Chicago for Northwestern, or even out of this state. It sounds bittersweet, but everything has been perfect.
I don’t mean perfect in the sense that it’s all hunky-dorie. It’s not. At all. But it’s been perfect for me. I know for some people there are a lot of what-ifs and should-haves, but right now I don’t have those. Everything has worked to make me into who I am, and who I am right now is a young woman making it on her own.
It has been rarely easy, more often trying, tedious, and tear-jerking. I’m surprised at the friends who are still around without me seeing them often, and a bit more surprised at the ones who aren’t, but life happens. We grow up and blow away.
Today, I was exactly who I was supposed to be (Disclaimer: some days, I’m much more of a mess than others) and tomorrow I will be, too. It might not be pretty; it might be the best day of my life. Whatever it is, it’s right where I need to be.
Soundtrack: Help, I’m Alive by Metric
Filed under: SUCCESS!
Well friends, life in Tampa is good, and it just got even better. On top of my projects from work, and against the prior advice of my family, I am now the proud mama of a rescued purebred Boxer (who the fam loves now). I’ll give you a heads up that this post is not going to be so much about life and growing up so much as the new puppy and the kind of work it’s taking, so if you’re not into Cesar Milan, you won’t enjoy this post.
Puppy, who I named Philo (Philos is Greek for friendly love), is a 3 yr old dark brindle Boxer, who was abused, beaten, neglected, occasionally starved, and constantly attacked by other dogs until 3 months ago. He was fear-aggressive, which means he is not dominant by nature but became aggressive out of fear and the need he felt to survive in unclear and frightening situations. His owners blamed him for the other dogs not liking him and beat him because of it.
For 60 days after coming to the rescue, Philo lived and breathed dog-behavior rehab — think Cesar Milan — many thanks to Tanya ( http://dog-behavior.net/ ) and to Florida Boxer Rescue ( http://www.flbr.org/ ). The problems that he came in with were vast, and his mind and health were a wreck, but with Tanya’s strong and steady hand, my boy learned that someone would fight for him, and tell him what was right, and even give him a little love.
Since he came into my home 3 weeks ago, he’s continued to grow and blossom into an amazingly intelligent and well-behaved dog, but I will be the first to tell you his good-behavior is reactive and dependent on my lead and consistency. (I’ve done okay so far!) He travels into large crowds with me without any apprehension, patiently waits while I sip coffee at sidewalk cafes, and we took our first trip this past weekend to meet my parents and their cats (he loves the kitties, but the kitties think he’s too big, loud, and smelly to tolerate).
Work is going well, too. I got a great listing/plug from a national organization on Friday, and I’m plugging away on several other projects as well. Being that October was one of the highest months for unemployment yet (um, who said the recession was over???), I feel hugely blessed to have a job and to be growing and learning every day. From fishing charters to forklifts to guns, I’ve got an expanding list of random facts about mostly manly topics 
Who wants to have a chat?
The world has started turning more slowly from Friday night to Monday morning. It’s so quiet I can’t stand it.
Twenty minutes on the couch and I’m thinking of something I can do or that needs to be done. Most of the time, the only free things I can think do with my unstructured time revolve around cleaning – vacuuming, dishes, laundry, washing my car, scrubbing down my bathroom, mopping the floors, making sure my jewelry is organized, my clothes hung up, and my mirrors are streak-free…
I realize there are people for whom this kind of organization comes naturally – I was not one of those people…until now. Wherever you’re reading this from, turn your ear to the wind, you’ll be able to hear my parents cheering because they’ve finally won the 22 -year long battle of “Pick Up After Yourself”. To be honest, I didn’t even know I had a bedroom floor until I packed up and moved….no, I’m just kidding. I knew I had half of a bedroom floor.
So now that that’s been said, let me take a moment to gloat. I rocked it this week at work!! I completed the biggest assignment of my life and my as yet short-lived career, and I think I might have impressed a few people by getting it done in 4 ½ days. I can’t say much about it at the risk of divulging all sorts of businessy secrets, but holy nose to the grindstone. When it comes to endurance, motivation, and the ability to push yourself harder than ever before, I found I had all those things in my heart.
So I might have cried once (I’m not a crier, but this stage of my life has been heavy on the waterworks if you’ve been following along), and I might have exhausted myself, and I might have been sick by the weekend, but I didn’t stop until my gigantic project was done – through tears and tiredness and all— ……and I completely rocked it.
Success is motivating. I’m not sure I could keep that breakneck speed up every day of every week, but maybe that’s what these slow, quiet weekends are for…? In any case, friends, rock the free world; rock the world free.
Filed under: Still Alive
Last night, I drove by the new glittering city where I now live down 275 with my top down and a wide, dark sky above me, and realized this is real. I am here. I am 
working, and living, and growing, and I am doing it on my own, in a new city with a new job. My life is just full of newness. So I drove home under that night sky, and went to sleep in my quaint, cozy (and might I add awesomely decorated) apartment, and woke up…
To a giant pile of bills in my mailbox. And realized once again, that this is real. Very real.
It’s been a good two weeks since I cried, but today was overwhelming. I started thinking about how expensive this day had been on my way to the grocery store, where I knew inevitably I would spend more money. What I wanted was for someone to just take my hand and tell me it’s okay, but when I looked over at my passenger seat, there was no one for me to smile at, so I cried instead.
The cost just to be alive is high, and it adds up quickly. I’ve only received half of one semi-monthly paycheck so far, and that doesn’t even cover my rent. I’ll be okay this month, and I’ll be okay the next. Still, life is so drastically different than it was a month ago.
The other night, I sat in the Laundromat for 2 hours, washing, drying, then folding. Work doesn’t stop when I get out of my job at 5:30. There is still cooking, and cleaning, and taking care of myself, and errands, and bills, and budgeting, and planning ahead, and keeping in touch. I have a lot of respect for the people who can do it. Shoot, nowadays I am one of the women who at least tries to do it.
I don’t know if it’ll get easier. I don’t know if I’ll have someone just to hug me when next month’s bills come around, and I feel overwhelmed all over again, but I do know if nothing changes I will negotiate a clause into my employment contract that says I will get a certain amount of hugs along with my paycheck. Hello, Life.
Filed under: SUCCESS!
Well, I’ve got another week of life under my belt. I’m surprised at how much can take place in just 7 days. Creation of the earth maybe? Anyway, it’s been a lovely Saturday morning on the island. It is officially fall. The temperatures are still the same, but t
he air isn’t as heavy.
Today is the first day I’ve been happy inside and out since I moved 16 days ago (it seems like so little and so much time all at once). I’ll admit that I’ve cried a few times. (Apparently, big girls do cry, Fergie. Your song is wrong.) Mostly, I’ve cried when I’ve thought about home. It’s incredible to me that home is not a tangible thing.
A house isn’t made into a home by furniture, and rugs, and paintings on the walls—it is made by the people who share it with you. Right now, I don’t really have any people to share it with, and though my overall sanity might be questionable, I’m pleased to inform you that I am not enough company for myself…which is why I’ve started talking to my furniture. My couch has incredibly astute theories about humanity and our future existence. No, I’m just kidding….but really… Here are some tidbits from the past 7 days:
1) It’s normal for your confidence to be tested. My first week at work was fantastic. I was expecting my second week to be a continuation of that, but for some reason on Monday, whenever I’d hear from across the office the name of a project I’d been working on, my heart would go all a-flutter. But by Friday, I’d settled in again and was surer of what is expected of me. I’m really enjoying it, and I couldn’t ask for a better work environment. Top-notch. (And I’m not just saying that!)
2) No, I didn’t accidentally lock myself inside my bedroom, but it was close. I found out, after one very panicky morning, that my bedroom doorknob only turns one way, and that was the opposite way of which I’d been trying to turn it. Sooo….that’s that. Maybe not every life lesson is a necessary one? Who knows? Perhaps one day I’ll have a McGyver moment where no one else knows what to do, and I will calmly tell everyone, “I’ve got an idea…turn the handle the other way…” Look, I saved the day!
3) Get out much? Right now my life is confined to the half-mile of island on which I live and work. I go to work, go home, clean, cook, and maybe get to the gym if I’m not too tired. It is torturous, and it is, at times, wonderful. Either way, it’s a great money-saver. Maybe my couch and I can go to the beach soon. The coffee table has been really annoying, so we might not invite him. Oh wait, I’m supposed to keep the crazy hidden…shoot. 
4) Islands have a higher concentration of bugs in a smaller area. Hmm, this one has been fun. I’m not a girly girl. I’m just tired of throwing live centipedes outside, and flushing dead ones down the toilet. I counted on Tuesday, and in a 10 hour window, I re-homed 5 centipedes to a place not inside my home. When I saw the 6th one, it wasn’t even a voluntary reaction, I just yelled at it and stormed off. By the time I realized I needed to do something about it, I couldn’t find it anymore. Considering his size, he made it rather far…it’s probably all those legs…
Truth be told, it hasn’t been easy to move to a new city completely alone. And it won’t be easy tomorrow or the next day, but I’m strong enough to do this, and whatever strength I don’t have I’ll either get it or be resourceful. I can do this. I am doing this. I’m not quite sure how to end my posts lately. I’m kind of a mess, but if there’s any mess to be it’s a good-natured, thankfully-humorous kind of mess. There’s one thing I do know–there’s life left to go!
Filed under: SUCCESS!
It’s official—I survived my first week as a young professional out in the world on my own, and the transition to the office wo
rld was the easy part! I figured out that I am useless when it comes to handyman type things. As I’m writing this, I’m waiting for maintenance to make their first appearance at my apartment because the shower handle fell out of the wall, and water is now flowing unhindered into my tub.
Before I called maintenance, I called my parents to tell them, and found out they were having radiator problems. We both set out to solve our problems, and I let them know about 15 minutes later that I had called maintenance like they suggested I do. They sent me a text that said, “Good job!” for “handling the situation”, and that also said they were now driving around with 4 gallons of water to make it back to NYC.
I think I’m more proud of their problem-solving skills. All this situation proved about me is that I know how to use a phone after someone tells me that’s what I should do…
Here are some other things I learned this week:
1) Men are innately more skilled at constructing furniture and hanging things. If it weren’t for the dudes in my life, my hanging lamps would be strung up with dental floss and push pins. (Resourceful—yes. Efficient—no.) I would have wires hanging out all over my apartment, and my lovely Ikea furniture would still be in boxes. I did manage to hammer together (with much effort) my laundry hamper, only to find out there were things that were supposed to be screwed together on it. We’ll see how that holds up over the next few weeks…
2) I need to bake cookies and take them to all the men in the apartments within two buildings of mine because my dad can’t keep driving 2 hours down here every time I need a screw put in the wall.
3) I am not above bribery by baked goods. This might put me back a few decades in terms of the Women’s Rights Movement…or it might prove that I am deceptively advanced…gentlemen?
4) For my own sake, I’m going to claim that the chapter on power tools, tape measures, and ladders in my guide to growing up on lady terms is optional. There’s a reason I wear dresses, and it’s to avoid stuff like this. Again, years behind or deceptively advanced?
5) I’m really just kidding. If it came down to it, and I needed to build a house, I wouldn’t use push pins…
(6. Don’t take me seriously about this stuff.)
Stay tuned for next week’s episode of “Oh shoot, so this is what real life is like…”
Filed under: SUCCESS!
Well, the time has come, dear readers. I got a job! On Monday, I will start as a content writer! Yes, it is Friday, and yes, I found out Tue
sday, but I was beyond whelmed to write about it. Tomorrow morning I’ll be moving to a new city. To move your whole life in 5 days without notice–well, it’s a lot, but for the most part the cars are loaded and I’m ready to go now.
Originally, I looked into rent-sharing with several people in the complex where I’ve chosen to live by myself. It taught me several things–if 28 means “young professional,” I must be “infant professional” at 22. Also, when an ad says “female preferred,” the person looking for a roommate is not always necessarily a woman. Poor guy, he probably thinks women are more tidy, and when it comes to dirt and grime and personal hygiene, most of us are. But, I am a category 5 hurricane of clothes and shoes—what do you mean I have carpeting? It’s tan?
When it comes to setting up budgets, electric, leases, internet/cable, renter’s insurance, and mass amounts of Ikea furniture, I am also an infant. This whole process has been new. In just one day, I blew through $1000 in deposits, applications fees, and start-up fees. TECO Electric charges $25 to start service on weekdays, and $300 to start service on weekends (thanks goodness I called them before my Saturday move-in day). And for a brief moment, I understood the satisfaction men get from buying a great piece of electronic equipment. Ladies and gentleman, I bought a 32″ HDTV. It is a pristine, shiny white AND eco-friendly! When any of you come to visit, please take a moment to admire it very loudly and with lots of big, ostentatious words. Thank you.
So that leaves me still to discuss the biggest change–corporate 9-5 life, office politics, dress codes, and deciding whether to take my lunch or buy it (because I’m infant professional, I think a Dora the Explorer lunch box will do just fine). I have a coffee mug that looks like a big, fat yellow baby chick (its wings act as little handles that stick off either side…so cute!), and I was planning on drinking my liquid creativity out of it all day long at my new job, but I’ve been advised to bring the crazy out later rather than sooner (and later as in when I’m the highest person in the company and no one can say anything about how it’s weird because you’re fired!). It’s going to be a big adjustment, but I’m there to a do a job, and a job that I love no less! I’m actually getting to put my talent and degree to use as a writer. At such a fresh-faced age and with current economic conditions, I was expecting something much less stellar.
It’s a bit funny to me that this is the post that follows my post about perseverance. I was prepared for another 5 months of rejection and searching, but I am unbelievably thankful for this blessing, and ready to start all over in this new job with humility, perserverance, and a side of grit. In case you’re wondering, this blog is not over just because I accomplished my first goal of getting a job. This blog is dedicated to growing up, and I’ve got a lifetime to go, kids.
Filed under: Un-Success
Lesson 2: Perseverance–the part where even though you feel like an idiot, you still have to pick yourself up, soldier on, and try again. Everyone’s scrapped a project because it wa
sn‘t coming together, but what do you do when your life isn’t coming together?
I’ll be honest and tell you my ego was big enough when I graduated that I thought I wouldn’t become a statistic. I thought surely I wouldn’t be part of that 10% unemployment rate, but here I am, humbled to boot, doing whatever I can to stay sane.
The thought that I might not be employable in my field of study crosses my mind almost every day, and the fact that it comes from somewhere inside me is even more discouraging than the endless rejection from places. But I refuse to give in to it, you can’t give in to it.
Here is my promise, world: I promise to persevere.
In the words of my newest ear candy download, The Features: “Here’s to tomorrow, whatever gets you by.”
Filed under: Un-Success
Here’s a fun lesson to learn—humility. Actually, wait, I’m kidding. This lesson is not fun to learn. Most of the time learning
it means you’ve been wrong, called out, and couldn’t find a way to redeem yourself.
Humility has been the lesson of the day, week, and past four months. Joblessness has lead to more joblessness, which has led to feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and despairedness (that’s not proper grammar, but continuing the “ness” seemed necessary, or was that ness-essary, ha). It has also lead to baked goods, but we talked about that in my last posting.
In my heart of hearts, I am my own biggest critic, the hardest one to please, and rather self-deprecating, but I think it’s time I come clean to the rest of the world—I am still learning; I don’t have all the answers (even though I’d like you to think I do). Occasionally these things rear their ugly heads to the rest of the world in a way that makes even the kindest people cringe in embarrassment for me. This is the part where I’m humbled.
When it comes to being unemployed and working hard, I have not given up just because un-success is hard to swallow. The fight has just begun, and I’m willing to grind it out until I’m successful. I will do what it takes, learn what I need to, use whatever is necessary, and stay diligent until the job is done and done exceedingly well.
My job right now is finding a job, but the fight will carry over. I know because I’ve been doing it my entire life for things I’m passionate about. I may look like a wannabe beauty queen, but there’s a lionheart inside this girl, who takes setbacks as part of the humbling process of learning to do the job right and pride in doing it well. Back in my middle school days (circa 1998), one my favorite mentors said this: If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well. To Ms. Kay, you were right. Bring it on, life. I’m ready for a new challenge to do well, and humbled to start.
Filed under: Un-Success
My lover is employment, and, yes, I’ve been waiting by the phone (and mailbox, and email inbox, and…you get the picture) for him to call. I once was the girl who let unknown numbers go to voicemail, but nowadays I scramble to answer them, pushing my breathle
ssness down into my stomach so I don’t sound nervous or excited. Most of the time it’s an automated message about my expired auto warranty. What’s a girl to do during the inbetween?
A few posts ago, I set out to find a part-time job, and was offered a position, but I believe in honesty, and I believe in doing the best thing for a business, so I told the store owner that if I was offered a full-time position using my degree somewhere else, I would take it, and that I would also understand if they decided they wanted a more long-term employee. There’s a lot of people who probably think I’m crazy for being honest in that situation–income is income–but I’d like to keep my references good, my intentions honest, and to get to the top because I deserve to be there and not because I stepped on the people who offered me opportunities. If nothing turns up in the next few weeks, the store owner asked me to come back.
This still leaves me with a lot of time on my hands, which I have channeled into baking. (Perhaps the best part of this is that I get to hang out and bake in my pink sleep shorts printed with silhouetted Scottie dogs and Boston Terriers wearing ascots…reference made for my former roomies, who pointed out my not-intentional love of sleepwear with dogs doing odd things. Flannel ice-skating Schnauzers, anyone? I’m just going to blame Old Navy for this, and let it be stated that I did not purchase any of these items myself. They were gifts…that I choose to keep wearing…)
Anyway, most of my baked good tasting victims were in that group of friends who moved away recently. (Shoot, guys, I didn’t think it tasted that bad!) It is teaching me, however, where my intentions and motivations come from. Even in baking, the motivation for it stems from my desire to create things that are original, well-presented, and highly pleasing (in this case, highly tasty). At this point, I’d like to shout out to my roommates of late (RIP to our adorably-decorated apartment, which the lease expired on last month). They taught me the joy of experimentation in the kitchen (check them out: http://heytherecupcake.wordpress.com/).
I’m a little disappointed in my lack of humor in this post, but I’m too pre-occupied with the vanilla butter cookies and the vanilla almond fingers I’m about to bake. I write all this to say that finding something to do in the mean time is worthwhile. Getting discouraged and depressed is not. Not only have I not gone completely insane, but I’ve brought joy to some tummies, and gained some skill to please some lucky guy (not to be confused with my employment-lover) down the road. What is your sanity-keeper?
PS. Wherever I’m hired, baked goods will ensue…incentive?
